When your manager and assistant are both walking undead, things are going poorly:
Monday, September 27, 2010
Cobra or Sodomy: A Discussion
This is a couple weeks old, but I was busy:
We are all familiar with this stunning goal by non other than Cesc Fabregas. I was quick to proclaim "COBRA COBRA COOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" when I witnessed it, and nearly wet myself with excitement. However, a real discussion has to be made into whether or not it was cobra, and if not, what type of hitback it was. Let's rule out the obvious.
Divine Sodomy: Cesc is in the opposing half and has never played defense. Not a chance.
The Rattler: Cesc appears to make no other attempts at the hitback, nevermind a constant stream of attacks that would declare a Rattler.
Sheva: I don't believe these are possible in professional football.
Sodomy from the Skies: CLEARLY NOT. Besides the great David Wronski would have chosen something other than a Gooner to be his Chosen Heir.
So let's go into the options:
Hambone: From the center forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Cobra: From a left forward or right forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Spitting Cobra: Same as above, with caveat that it loops over the defender and keeper.
Sodomy: A hitback from the midfield position.
Now, I believe we can immediately rule out Hambone, as Cesc is clearly not in a Center Forward position at the time of the hitback (I'm deeming his position on the pitch more important than his actual position in the formation) and I think we can also rule out a plain Cobra, due to the fact that if this is a Cobra, it is clearly a Spitting Cobra.
What needs to be addressed now my friends is the position of the hitback. Observe where Cesc hits the ball. Now observe the relative positions of players on a standard Tornado Foosball Table:
Clearly, my friends, what we are dealing with here is none other than a SPITTING COBRA!!!!! Well done Cesc. Well done.
We are all familiar with this stunning goal by non other than Cesc Fabregas. I was quick to proclaim "COBRA COBRA COOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" when I witnessed it, and nearly wet myself with excitement. However, a real discussion has to be made into whether or not it was cobra, and if not, what type of hitback it was. Let's rule out the obvious.
Divine Sodomy: Cesc is in the opposing half and has never played defense. Not a chance.
The Rattler: Cesc appears to make no other attempts at the hitback, nevermind a constant stream of attacks that would declare a Rattler.
Sheva: I don't believe these are possible in professional football.
Sodomy from the Skies: CLEARLY NOT. Besides the great David Wronski would have chosen something other than a Gooner to be his Chosen Heir.
So let's go into the options:
Hambone: From the center forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Cobra: From a left forward or right forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Spitting Cobra: Same as above, with caveat that it loops over the defender and keeper.
Sodomy: A hitback from the midfield position.
Now, I believe we can immediately rule out Hambone, as Cesc is clearly not in a Center Forward position at the time of the hitback (I'm deeming his position on the pitch more important than his actual position in the formation) and I think we can also rule out a plain Cobra, due to the fact that if this is a Cobra, it is clearly a Spitting Cobra.
What needs to be addressed now my friends is the position of the hitback. Observe where Cesc hits the ball. Now observe the relative positions of players on a standard Tornado Foosball Table:
Clearly, my friends, what we are dealing with here is none other than a SPITTING COBRA!!!!! Well done Cesc. Well done.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Why I'm Stopping Power Rankings
So, I should mention that I'm stopping Power Rankings. I just don't think it's as relevant in Football as in other sports. I might go back to doing the weekly recap of games though. With Power Rankings, I love them I really do but honestly I don't have the time, and they always end up being pretty obvious anyways. I liked the recaps better anyways, and so I'll start those up after my job interviews this week. So, if you guys want to do those again, that'd be great, but I'm going to retire my contribution to the Power Rankings.
The Jury's Back In: Sack Hodgson
Look, I don't like to do the knee-jerk reaction stuff, but can we all admit that Roy Hodgson has done a horrible job with Liverpool. This might seem rash but I just have to say he inspires no confidence in the players or in the fans. Why does he always sit back and hope to squeeze out results against less talented opposition? You can argue whether Liverpool has CL talent, but it UNDOUBTEDLY has Europa level talent. You have a host of internationals, and a few players who are considered World Class (Gerrard, Torres, Reina). That should be enough to beat the Sunderlands and Birminghams of the world. Why does he insist on sitting back and letting them hammer us? Why can't we defend any crosses? Fun fact: all non-penalty goals against Liverpool in the league this season have come off crosses. It's an atrocity.
Lets go through the games shall we?
Premier League
Home Draw with Arsenal (1-1): Got my hopes up high. We played inspired and were it not for an unlucky error by Reina, would have held onto the win. A class goal by Ngog and an overall great performance. I was psyched.
Away Loss/Embarrassment at City (3-0): The scoreline flattered us. This sucked.
Home win against WBA (1-0): We were better but not dominantly so. Only broke the deadlock due to a class finish by Torres. Nothing to inspire confidence.
Away draw at Birmingham (0-0): Looked pathetic, completely outplayed by Birmingham. If you want to say Reina lost us 2 points at Arsenal, he sure as hell earned one back here. He played out of his mind.
Away loss to Manchester United (3-2): Maybe not as bad as Sir Alex would have suggested, but Liverpool were beaten. The result was not unfair and it was only the spirit of Gerrard that kept us alive.
Home draw with Sunderland (2-2): Quite outplayed by Sunderland and needed a (perfectly legal but) lucky goal and more Gerrard inspiration. He is trying his hardest and Torres did some great creating but we need more from the other 8 players in the outfield.
So there you go. We have one good performance, two average and 3 shit. Not a good rate for a team trying to compete. Oh by the way, we're on pace for 38 points, which can get you relegated in plenty of seasons.
Lets go to the cups?
Carling Cup: Wow, should I even mention this? 1 shot in regular time? Against Northampton? Fucking kill me now. I'm still not over this. I just can't write about it right now. We weren't robbed. If anything, if we had won on penalties it would have been a travesty.
Europa League: Unspectacular wins against Rabotnicki Kometal (they're Macedonian if you must know) and Trabzonspor. And Trab? We won solidly but nothing convincing. The win against Steaua Bucharest was the result of the season, but even that game was evenly played at the half. We didn't really show our dominance until later in the game.
So there we go, so far what do we have to go on? A team that looks even worse than last year, and with the results to prove it. Why are we waiting to sack him? He clearly sucks ass. Let's look at the upcoming fixtures:
Europa: At Utrecht
Premier League: Blackpool, at Everton
So let's look at this. A loss against Utrecht hurts our best chance at a trophy this year, and points lost against Blackpool or Everton would submarine the season. Six points gets us back on track, but if you can't beat Blackpool, who can you beat? Sure they've gotten some results, but they play attacking football and their defense sucks. We have Torres, Gerrard, not to mention a host of other players who can score. We should absolutely throttle them. And Everton sucks right now and we need to beat them in the derby. It's the only way the fans won't kill the man.
Now, his record does seem to be quite nice. He took a struggling, relegation-threatened team in Fulham and made them into a punch-above-their-weight Europa League team. That's all well and good, but do you know why he was such a shock appointment to Fulham? His absolutely disastrous time with Blackburn. He took a team that had won the league two years prior and had a great first season, getting them 6th (after a previous 13th) and into the UEFA Cup. He then followed this up by doing so poorly in the transfer window and subsequent season that he was sacked in December with Rovers at the bottom of the table. He did wonders with Fulham, but how much of that was luck, and how much of it is the type of manager he is. Some managers are great at avoiding relegation and midtable mediocrity (Big Sam), but despite that fat man's claims, would suck royal cock at a top club. Some are great cup managers (I've always felt Benitez is more of a cup manager for instance) but lack the squad and man management abilities for long seasons. And some are great for teams to collectively believe and punch above their weight. This would not be a disastrous start for Fulham. A draw with Arsenal, losses to City and United, a win against WBA and then draws against Birmingham (at St Andrews) and Sunderland. He wouldn't make a big deal of any of those. But he isn't at Fulham. This is Liverpool. He needs to do better than 12th. He needs to do better than 7th (eventually). He has the talent to beat any team in the league, and the talent to beat most of them consistently. If he doesn't play that way, if he continues to play timid teams looking to hold onto to draws and hope for a counterattack goal, he is going to do the same thing he did at Rovers. Liverpool will be in a relegation scrape and he'll in be the unemployment line. Let's hope he wises up before that.
Lets go through the games shall we?
Premier League
Home Draw with Arsenal (1-1): Got my hopes up high. We played inspired and were it not for an unlucky error by Reina, would have held onto the win. A class goal by Ngog and an overall great performance. I was psyched.
Away Loss/Embarrassment at City (3-0): The scoreline flattered us. This sucked.
Home win against WBA (1-0): We were better but not dominantly so. Only broke the deadlock due to a class finish by Torres. Nothing to inspire confidence.
Away draw at Birmingham (0-0): Looked pathetic, completely outplayed by Birmingham. If you want to say Reina lost us 2 points at Arsenal, he sure as hell earned one back here. He played out of his mind.
Away loss to Manchester United (3-2): Maybe not as bad as Sir Alex would have suggested, but Liverpool were beaten. The result was not unfair and it was only the spirit of Gerrard that kept us alive.
Home draw with Sunderland (2-2): Quite outplayed by Sunderland and needed a (perfectly legal but) lucky goal and more Gerrard inspiration. He is trying his hardest and Torres did some great creating but we need more from the other 8 players in the outfield.
So there you go. We have one good performance, two average and 3 shit. Not a good rate for a team trying to compete. Oh by the way, we're on pace for 38 points, which can get you relegated in plenty of seasons.
Lets go to the cups?
Carling Cup: Wow, should I even mention this? 1 shot in regular time? Against Northampton? Fucking kill me now. I'm still not over this. I just can't write about it right now. We weren't robbed. If anything, if we had won on penalties it would have been a travesty.
Europa League: Unspectacular wins against Rabotnicki Kometal (they're Macedonian if you must know) and Trabzonspor. And Trab? We won solidly but nothing convincing. The win against Steaua Bucharest was the result of the season, but even that game was evenly played at the half. We didn't really show our dominance until later in the game.
So there we go, so far what do we have to go on? A team that looks even worse than last year, and with the results to prove it. Why are we waiting to sack him? He clearly sucks ass. Let's look at the upcoming fixtures:
Europa: At Utrecht
Premier League: Blackpool, at Everton
So let's look at this. A loss against Utrecht hurts our best chance at a trophy this year, and points lost against Blackpool or Everton would submarine the season. Six points gets us back on track, but if you can't beat Blackpool, who can you beat? Sure they've gotten some results, but they play attacking football and their defense sucks. We have Torres, Gerrard, not to mention a host of other players who can score. We should absolutely throttle them. And Everton sucks right now and we need to beat them in the derby. It's the only way the fans won't kill the man.
Now, his record does seem to be quite nice. He took a struggling, relegation-threatened team in Fulham and made them into a punch-above-their-weight Europa League team. That's all well and good, but do you know why he was such a shock appointment to Fulham? His absolutely disastrous time with Blackburn. He took a team that had won the league two years prior and had a great first season, getting them 6th (after a previous 13th) and into the UEFA Cup. He then followed this up by doing so poorly in the transfer window and subsequent season that he was sacked in December with Rovers at the bottom of the table. He did wonders with Fulham, but how much of that was luck, and how much of it is the type of manager he is. Some managers are great at avoiding relegation and midtable mediocrity (Big Sam), but despite that fat man's claims, would suck royal cock at a top club. Some are great cup managers (I've always felt Benitez is more of a cup manager for instance) but lack the squad and man management abilities for long seasons. And some are great for teams to collectively believe and punch above their weight. This would not be a disastrous start for Fulham. A draw with Arsenal, losses to City and United, a win against WBA and then draws against Birmingham (at St Andrews) and Sunderland. He wouldn't make a big deal of any of those. But he isn't at Fulham. This is Liverpool. He needs to do better than 12th. He needs to do better than 7th (eventually). He has the talent to beat any team in the league, and the talent to beat most of them consistently. If he doesn't play that way, if he continues to play timid teams looking to hold onto to draws and hope for a counterattack goal, he is going to do the same thing he did at Rovers. Liverpool will be in a relegation scrape and he'll in be the unemployment line. Let's hope he wises up before that.
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