When your manager and assistant are both walking undead, things are going poorly:
Monday, September 27, 2010
Cobra or Sodomy: A Discussion
This is a couple weeks old, but I was busy:
We are all familiar with this stunning goal by non other than Cesc Fabregas. I was quick to proclaim "COBRA COBRA COOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" when I witnessed it, and nearly wet myself with excitement. However, a real discussion has to be made into whether or not it was cobra, and if not, what type of hitback it was. Let's rule out the obvious.
Divine Sodomy: Cesc is in the opposing half and has never played defense. Not a chance.
The Rattler: Cesc appears to make no other attempts at the hitback, nevermind a constant stream of attacks that would declare a Rattler.
Sheva: I don't believe these are possible in professional football.
Sodomy from the Skies: CLEARLY NOT. Besides the great David Wronski would have chosen something other than a Gooner to be his Chosen Heir.
So let's go into the options:
Hambone: From the center forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Cobra: From a left forward or right forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Spitting Cobra: Same as above, with caveat that it loops over the defender and keeper.
Sodomy: A hitback from the midfield position.
Now, I believe we can immediately rule out Hambone, as Cesc is clearly not in a Center Forward position at the time of the hitback (I'm deeming his position on the pitch more important than his actual position in the formation) and I think we can also rule out a plain Cobra, due to the fact that if this is a Cobra, it is clearly a Spitting Cobra.
What needs to be addressed now my friends is the position of the hitback. Observe where Cesc hits the ball. Now observe the relative positions of players on a standard Tornado Foosball Table:
Clearly, my friends, what we are dealing with here is none other than a SPITTING COBRA!!!!! Well done Cesc. Well done.
We are all familiar with this stunning goal by non other than Cesc Fabregas. I was quick to proclaim "COBRA COBRA COOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" when I witnessed it, and nearly wet myself with excitement. However, a real discussion has to be made into whether or not it was cobra, and if not, what type of hitback it was. Let's rule out the obvious.
Divine Sodomy: Cesc is in the opposing half and has never played defense. Not a chance.
The Rattler: Cesc appears to make no other attempts at the hitback, nevermind a constant stream of attacks that would declare a Rattler.
Sheva: I don't believe these are possible in professional football.
Sodomy from the Skies: CLEARLY NOT. Besides the great David Wronski would have chosen something other than a Gooner to be his Chosen Heir.
So let's go into the options:
Hambone: From the center forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Cobra: From a left forward or right forward position, a straight hitback on either keeper or defender.
Spitting Cobra: Same as above, with caveat that it loops over the defender and keeper.
Sodomy: A hitback from the midfield position.
Now, I believe we can immediately rule out Hambone, as Cesc is clearly not in a Center Forward position at the time of the hitback (I'm deeming his position on the pitch more important than his actual position in the formation) and I think we can also rule out a plain Cobra, due to the fact that if this is a Cobra, it is clearly a Spitting Cobra.
What needs to be addressed now my friends is the position of the hitback. Observe where Cesc hits the ball. Now observe the relative positions of players on a standard Tornado Foosball Table:
Clearly, my friends, what we are dealing with here is none other than a SPITTING COBRA!!!!! Well done Cesc. Well done.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Why I'm Stopping Power Rankings
So, I should mention that I'm stopping Power Rankings. I just don't think it's as relevant in Football as in other sports. I might go back to doing the weekly recap of games though. With Power Rankings, I love them I really do but honestly I don't have the time, and they always end up being pretty obvious anyways. I liked the recaps better anyways, and so I'll start those up after my job interviews this week. So, if you guys want to do those again, that'd be great, but I'm going to retire my contribution to the Power Rankings.
The Jury's Back In: Sack Hodgson
Look, I don't like to do the knee-jerk reaction stuff, but can we all admit that Roy Hodgson has done a horrible job with Liverpool. This might seem rash but I just have to say he inspires no confidence in the players or in the fans. Why does he always sit back and hope to squeeze out results against less talented opposition? You can argue whether Liverpool has CL talent, but it UNDOUBTEDLY has Europa level talent. You have a host of internationals, and a few players who are considered World Class (Gerrard, Torres, Reina). That should be enough to beat the Sunderlands and Birminghams of the world. Why does he insist on sitting back and letting them hammer us? Why can't we defend any crosses? Fun fact: all non-penalty goals against Liverpool in the league this season have come off crosses. It's an atrocity.
Lets go through the games shall we?
Premier League
Home Draw with Arsenal (1-1): Got my hopes up high. We played inspired and were it not for an unlucky error by Reina, would have held onto the win. A class goal by Ngog and an overall great performance. I was psyched.
Away Loss/Embarrassment at City (3-0): The scoreline flattered us. This sucked.
Home win against WBA (1-0): We were better but not dominantly so. Only broke the deadlock due to a class finish by Torres. Nothing to inspire confidence.
Away draw at Birmingham (0-0): Looked pathetic, completely outplayed by Birmingham. If you want to say Reina lost us 2 points at Arsenal, he sure as hell earned one back here. He played out of his mind.
Away loss to Manchester United (3-2): Maybe not as bad as Sir Alex would have suggested, but Liverpool were beaten. The result was not unfair and it was only the spirit of Gerrard that kept us alive.
Home draw with Sunderland (2-2): Quite outplayed by Sunderland and needed a (perfectly legal but) lucky goal and more Gerrard inspiration. He is trying his hardest and Torres did some great creating but we need more from the other 8 players in the outfield.
So there you go. We have one good performance, two average and 3 shit. Not a good rate for a team trying to compete. Oh by the way, we're on pace for 38 points, which can get you relegated in plenty of seasons.
Lets go to the cups?
Carling Cup: Wow, should I even mention this? 1 shot in regular time? Against Northampton? Fucking kill me now. I'm still not over this. I just can't write about it right now. We weren't robbed. If anything, if we had won on penalties it would have been a travesty.
Europa League: Unspectacular wins against Rabotnicki Kometal (they're Macedonian if you must know) and Trabzonspor. And Trab? We won solidly but nothing convincing. The win against Steaua Bucharest was the result of the season, but even that game was evenly played at the half. We didn't really show our dominance until later in the game.
So there we go, so far what do we have to go on? A team that looks even worse than last year, and with the results to prove it. Why are we waiting to sack him? He clearly sucks ass. Let's look at the upcoming fixtures:
Europa: At Utrecht
Premier League: Blackpool, at Everton
So let's look at this. A loss against Utrecht hurts our best chance at a trophy this year, and points lost against Blackpool or Everton would submarine the season. Six points gets us back on track, but if you can't beat Blackpool, who can you beat? Sure they've gotten some results, but they play attacking football and their defense sucks. We have Torres, Gerrard, not to mention a host of other players who can score. We should absolutely throttle them. And Everton sucks right now and we need to beat them in the derby. It's the only way the fans won't kill the man.
Now, his record does seem to be quite nice. He took a struggling, relegation-threatened team in Fulham and made them into a punch-above-their-weight Europa League team. That's all well and good, but do you know why he was such a shock appointment to Fulham? His absolutely disastrous time with Blackburn. He took a team that had won the league two years prior and had a great first season, getting them 6th (after a previous 13th) and into the UEFA Cup. He then followed this up by doing so poorly in the transfer window and subsequent season that he was sacked in December with Rovers at the bottom of the table. He did wonders with Fulham, but how much of that was luck, and how much of it is the type of manager he is. Some managers are great at avoiding relegation and midtable mediocrity (Big Sam), but despite that fat man's claims, would suck royal cock at a top club. Some are great cup managers (I've always felt Benitez is more of a cup manager for instance) but lack the squad and man management abilities for long seasons. And some are great for teams to collectively believe and punch above their weight. This would not be a disastrous start for Fulham. A draw with Arsenal, losses to City and United, a win against WBA and then draws against Birmingham (at St Andrews) and Sunderland. He wouldn't make a big deal of any of those. But he isn't at Fulham. This is Liverpool. He needs to do better than 12th. He needs to do better than 7th (eventually). He has the talent to beat any team in the league, and the talent to beat most of them consistently. If he doesn't play that way, if he continues to play timid teams looking to hold onto to draws and hope for a counterattack goal, he is going to do the same thing he did at Rovers. Liverpool will be in a relegation scrape and he'll in be the unemployment line. Let's hope he wises up before that.
Lets go through the games shall we?
Premier League
Home Draw with Arsenal (1-1): Got my hopes up high. We played inspired and were it not for an unlucky error by Reina, would have held onto the win. A class goal by Ngog and an overall great performance. I was psyched.
Away Loss/Embarrassment at City (3-0): The scoreline flattered us. This sucked.
Home win against WBA (1-0): We were better but not dominantly so. Only broke the deadlock due to a class finish by Torres. Nothing to inspire confidence.
Away draw at Birmingham (0-0): Looked pathetic, completely outplayed by Birmingham. If you want to say Reina lost us 2 points at Arsenal, he sure as hell earned one back here. He played out of his mind.
Away loss to Manchester United (3-2): Maybe not as bad as Sir Alex would have suggested, but Liverpool were beaten. The result was not unfair and it was only the spirit of Gerrard that kept us alive.
Home draw with Sunderland (2-2): Quite outplayed by Sunderland and needed a (perfectly legal but) lucky goal and more Gerrard inspiration. He is trying his hardest and Torres did some great creating but we need more from the other 8 players in the outfield.
So there you go. We have one good performance, two average and 3 shit. Not a good rate for a team trying to compete. Oh by the way, we're on pace for 38 points, which can get you relegated in plenty of seasons.
Lets go to the cups?
Carling Cup: Wow, should I even mention this? 1 shot in regular time? Against Northampton? Fucking kill me now. I'm still not over this. I just can't write about it right now. We weren't robbed. If anything, if we had won on penalties it would have been a travesty.
Europa League: Unspectacular wins against Rabotnicki Kometal (they're Macedonian if you must know) and Trabzonspor. And Trab? We won solidly but nothing convincing. The win against Steaua Bucharest was the result of the season, but even that game was evenly played at the half. We didn't really show our dominance until later in the game.
So there we go, so far what do we have to go on? A team that looks even worse than last year, and with the results to prove it. Why are we waiting to sack him? He clearly sucks ass. Let's look at the upcoming fixtures:
Europa: At Utrecht
Premier League: Blackpool, at Everton
So let's look at this. A loss against Utrecht hurts our best chance at a trophy this year, and points lost against Blackpool or Everton would submarine the season. Six points gets us back on track, but if you can't beat Blackpool, who can you beat? Sure they've gotten some results, but they play attacking football and their defense sucks. We have Torres, Gerrard, not to mention a host of other players who can score. We should absolutely throttle them. And Everton sucks right now and we need to beat them in the derby. It's the only way the fans won't kill the man.
Now, his record does seem to be quite nice. He took a struggling, relegation-threatened team in Fulham and made them into a punch-above-their-weight Europa League team. That's all well and good, but do you know why he was such a shock appointment to Fulham? His absolutely disastrous time with Blackburn. He took a team that had won the league two years prior and had a great first season, getting them 6th (after a previous 13th) and into the UEFA Cup. He then followed this up by doing so poorly in the transfer window and subsequent season that he was sacked in December with Rovers at the bottom of the table. He did wonders with Fulham, but how much of that was luck, and how much of it is the type of manager he is. Some managers are great at avoiding relegation and midtable mediocrity (Big Sam), but despite that fat man's claims, would suck royal cock at a top club. Some are great cup managers (I've always felt Benitez is more of a cup manager for instance) but lack the squad and man management abilities for long seasons. And some are great for teams to collectively believe and punch above their weight. This would not be a disastrous start for Fulham. A draw with Arsenal, losses to City and United, a win against WBA and then draws against Birmingham (at St Andrews) and Sunderland. He wouldn't make a big deal of any of those. But he isn't at Fulham. This is Liverpool. He needs to do better than 12th. He needs to do better than 7th (eventually). He has the talent to beat any team in the league, and the talent to beat most of them consistently. If he doesn't play that way, if he continues to play timid teams looking to hold onto to draws and hope for a counterattack goal, he is going to do the same thing he did at Rovers. Liverpool will be in a relegation scrape and he'll in be the unemployment line. Let's hope he wises up before that.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sometimes Pique, You Know, Turns The Head
I don't mean to be mean due to Guardiola's surprisingly good English given his complete lack of playing time in an English speaking nation. But his explanation of the infamous Barca-shirt-on-Fabregas incident after the World Cup is hilarious. Enjoy
Ronaldinho Video Tribute
Ronadinho was back at the Camp Nou as a Milanista today, and the Blaugrana didn't disappoint with an absolutely brilliant video homage to the buck-toothed wonder. ¡Que homenaje!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
EPL Power Rankings Week 2
I just did the recap, so here are the power ranking for week 2.
1. Chelsea Last week: 1
Well, they're the only team with 2 wins. They won both games 6-0. They have the most experienced squad of talented veterans in the league. They won it all last season. This was not a hard choice.
2. Tottenham Hotspur Last week: 5
It's early season, so these are very volatile rankings. It's really a composite of who looks best right now. Amazingly, only one team has won both of its games, so it's rather tough to judge on the rest of these. Spurs are a Joe Hart away from having taken both games, against City and at Stoke, which are both impressive fixtures. They've been menacing and free-flowing so far this season and while they may not have the pedigree, purely on performance I believe them to be deservedly in 2nd.
3. Manchester United Last week: 2
Only one dropped spot for the Red Devils and I still think most teams would rather play Spurs than them anyways. There's plenty of season left, but really all they've done is beat a bizarre Newcastle team and then slump to a draw at Fulham. They should have won there too to be fair. Never write them off though. Never write them off.
4. Manchester City Last week: 7
Well, they got a gutty draw against Spurs and then dismantled Liverpool. Definitely showing some signs of pedigree. Milner and Barry combined beautifully together, almost as if they had played with each other before....Sarcasm aside, they are starting to look scary. The team is rounding out. I can't wait to see them against the real big boys.
5. Arsenal Last week: 6
Sure, it was a spanking, but how much can you really go up on a home win against Blackpool. Certainly not more impressive than City, which is why Arsenal is here. Good to see them get their heads back on straight though, and if they can keep Cesc healthy, this team could really challenge.
6. Liverpool Last week: 4
I know what you're saying. 1 point from two games?! 17th in the table yet 6th in the rankings?! Look, it's still about who would you rather play. And until one of the midtable clubs starts knocking off teams above them as opposed to each other, I don't think anyone will fancy Liverpool before they face Birmingham or Bolton. Were they awful? Oh yes, but until they start dropping against teams like say, idk, WBA this weekend, we'll have to hold judgment.
7. Birmingham City Last week: 14
OK, so the listings are volatile. They finished top half last year, and after a great fightback and then a solid home win, they are just looking like the little engine that could all over again.
8. Newcastle United Last week: 18
This will almost assuredly be the biggest jump of the year. Getting killed at Old Trafford has happened to many great teams. So to follow that up with a slaughter of Villa back at home has to feel great. Who knows, maybe this team is for real. We just need more games to really see. But, one thing is for sure, no one wants to go to St James Park.
9. Bolton Wanderers Last week: 12
They should have gotten 3 last week, and they snuck in and took 3 this week. However the points come is fine. A comfortable win it shouldn't have been, but thats how it ended up, and while Burnley may never forgive Coyle he is doing fine with Bolton.
10. Everton Last week: 11
How do they go up despite a draw with Wolves? Well they were a far better team and based off of pure talent, they really shouldn't start falling down this list until they consistently start losing to these shitty teams. And then all bets are off.
11. Aston Villa Last week: 3
Speaking of which, nice Villa. Absolutely killed by a newly-promoted side. At least we know Villa will probably bring in a manager now as opposed to a caretaker. In terms of talent and fear value they probably deserve to be a bit higher, but my new rule is that if you lose 6-0 to a team not in Europe, it's going to take some work to get back into the top half.
12. Wolverhampton Wanderers Last week: 9
Sure, a nice draw. But I just can't endorse such negative football. Granted, I'll allow it at Goodison Park, but let's see how the rest of the season pans out.
13. Blackburn Rovers Last week: 10
Tough loss to Birmingham as they deserved a point, but I wouldn't really ring the alarm bells. Allardyce has midtable mediocrity down to a science.
14. Blackpool Last week: 8
I really had no idea where to put them. They beat the worst team in the league and got pantsed by one of the best. How good are they? No clue. I'm just giving them benefit of the doubt in case they are due in for many many more beatings this year.
15. Fulham Last week: 15
A valiant draw against United despite being outplayed. Combined with a rough opening day, another team that's hard to place.
16. West Bromwich Albion Last week: 19
No shame in getting killed at Stamford Bridge. A lot of credit for winning against Sunderland however. Many kudos for the Baggies and who knows maybe they might stay up for once.
17. Sunderland Last week: 17
Slumped to a gutless draw against Birmingham and then a sad defeat against WBA. Definitely needs some sort of spark as this is a talented team, but they are playing like shit.
18. Stoke City Last week: 16
A very tough loss against Tottenham, but 0 points is 0 points. I'm sure they'll shoot back up this list, but for the time being they're in the mire.
19. West Ham United Last week: 17
An absolute waste of talent and opportunities. I'm still stunned by that game. I have way less faith in them than Stoke and it wouldn't be the first talented but underachieving Hammers team to get relgated.
20. Wigan Athletic Last week: 20
0 points. -10 GD. 2 games. I think that's all that needs to be said.
1. Chelsea Last week: 1
Well, they're the only team with 2 wins. They won both games 6-0. They have the most experienced squad of talented veterans in the league. They won it all last season. This was not a hard choice.
2. Tottenham Hotspur Last week: 5
It's early season, so these are very volatile rankings. It's really a composite of who looks best right now. Amazingly, only one team has won both of its games, so it's rather tough to judge on the rest of these. Spurs are a Joe Hart away from having taken both games, against City and at Stoke, which are both impressive fixtures. They've been menacing and free-flowing so far this season and while they may not have the pedigree, purely on performance I believe them to be deservedly in 2nd.
3. Manchester United Last week: 2
Only one dropped spot for the Red Devils and I still think most teams would rather play Spurs than them anyways. There's plenty of season left, but really all they've done is beat a bizarre Newcastle team and then slump to a draw at Fulham. They should have won there too to be fair. Never write them off though. Never write them off.
4. Manchester City Last week: 7
Well, they got a gutty draw against Spurs and then dismantled Liverpool. Definitely showing some signs of pedigree. Milner and Barry combined beautifully together, almost as if they had played with each other before....Sarcasm aside, they are starting to look scary. The team is rounding out. I can't wait to see them against the real big boys.
5. Arsenal Last week: 6
Sure, it was a spanking, but how much can you really go up on a home win against Blackpool. Certainly not more impressive than City, which is why Arsenal is here. Good to see them get their heads back on straight though, and if they can keep Cesc healthy, this team could really challenge.
6. Liverpool Last week: 4
I know what you're saying. 1 point from two games?! 17th in the table yet 6th in the rankings?! Look, it's still about who would you rather play. And until one of the midtable clubs starts knocking off teams above them as opposed to each other, I don't think anyone will fancy Liverpool before they face Birmingham or Bolton. Were they awful? Oh yes, but until they start dropping against teams like say, idk, WBA this weekend, we'll have to hold judgment.
7. Birmingham City Last week: 14
OK, so the listings are volatile. They finished top half last year, and after a great fightback and then a solid home win, they are just looking like the little engine that could all over again.
8. Newcastle United Last week: 18
This will almost assuredly be the biggest jump of the year. Getting killed at Old Trafford has happened to many great teams. So to follow that up with a slaughter of Villa back at home has to feel great. Who knows, maybe this team is for real. We just need more games to really see. But, one thing is for sure, no one wants to go to St James Park.
9. Bolton Wanderers Last week: 12
They should have gotten 3 last week, and they snuck in and took 3 this week. However the points come is fine. A comfortable win it shouldn't have been, but thats how it ended up, and while Burnley may never forgive Coyle he is doing fine with Bolton.
10. Everton Last week: 11
How do they go up despite a draw with Wolves? Well they were a far better team and based off of pure talent, they really shouldn't start falling down this list until they consistently start losing to these shitty teams. And then all bets are off.
11. Aston Villa Last week: 3
Speaking of which, nice Villa. Absolutely killed by a newly-promoted side. At least we know Villa will probably bring in a manager now as opposed to a caretaker. In terms of talent and fear value they probably deserve to be a bit higher, but my new rule is that if you lose 6-0 to a team not in Europe, it's going to take some work to get back into the top half.
12. Wolverhampton Wanderers Last week: 9
Sure, a nice draw. But I just can't endorse such negative football. Granted, I'll allow it at Goodison Park, but let's see how the rest of the season pans out.
13. Blackburn Rovers Last week: 10
Tough loss to Birmingham as they deserved a point, but I wouldn't really ring the alarm bells. Allardyce has midtable mediocrity down to a science.
14. Blackpool Last week: 8
I really had no idea where to put them. They beat the worst team in the league and got pantsed by one of the best. How good are they? No clue. I'm just giving them benefit of the doubt in case they are due in for many many more beatings this year.
15. Fulham Last week: 15
A valiant draw against United despite being outplayed. Combined with a rough opening day, another team that's hard to place.
16. West Bromwich Albion Last week: 19
No shame in getting killed at Stamford Bridge. A lot of credit for winning against Sunderland however. Many kudos for the Baggies and who knows maybe they might stay up for once.
17. Sunderland Last week: 17
Slumped to a gutless draw against Birmingham and then a sad defeat against WBA. Definitely needs some sort of spark as this is a talented team, but they are playing like shit.
18. Stoke City Last week: 16
A very tough loss against Tottenham, but 0 points is 0 points. I'm sure they'll shoot back up this list, but for the time being they're in the mire.
19. West Ham United Last week: 17
An absolute waste of talent and opportunities. I'm still stunned by that game. I have way less faith in them than Stoke and it wouldn't be the first talented but underachieving Hammers team to get relgated.
20. Wigan Athletic Last week: 20
0 points. -10 GD. 2 games. I think that's all that needs to be said.
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