EPL: Week 2 Recap

Ok, so everybody does Power Rankings. Or so I've heard. Really just Marc Stein, but it's for the NBA, but he's a Man City fan so fuck him. Anyways, here's a new recap section I'm starting. Learn it. Love it.

The weekend on the whole showed that we know precious little about this season, as shock result after shock result materialized. The significance of each game truly remains to be seen, and take all the analysis with a grain of salt.

Arsenal 6 Blackpool 0
Well, an absolutely ass-hammering. Blackpool now knows that Wigan Athletic is very much not the standard fare of the Premier League. Remember when Arsenal played Barcelona and it was Barcelona versus Barcelona Light? This was Arsenal versus Retarded Arsenal. Arsenal was typically not clinical in front of goal but with so many chances, of course they're going to get 6.
What it means:
Well, it's par for the course for Arsenal. It means nothing other than no points were lost and they padded their goal differential. It does show that Blackpool was simply beating up on the single least-inspired professional team in the world last week, and are most likely going to lose a lot of games this season.

Birmingham 2 Blackburn Rovers 1
Ben Foster had a blinder and Birmingham deservedly won. It was pretty close, and both teams showed that they everything they need to be pillars of mediocrity this season.
What it means:
Not much to report on here, as early season football in the midtable rarely has. I would say Foster could do wonders to restore his reputation. Not everyone succeeds by being thrown into the pressure cooker of Old Trafford with little experience, and Birmingham made Hart a winner, maybe it can do the same with Foster. Onto the clubs, well 3 points for Birmingham is all that really matters.

Everton 1 Wolverhampton 1
Ugh. Everton. What a cocktease. So much talent, and so many second half surges, but why on Earth can they not pick up points before Christmas? Wolves at home should be an easy game for a club with Europa aspirations, and it was to be fair. Wolves were very negative and it was all Everton, but you have to put a few goals in to assure the points if they score on a break. That's why Chelsea slaughters teams. They know not to waste chances and to pile it on. Sounds unfair, but so is Wolves getting a point from this game.
What it means:
Well, it's very early for any real discussion of points, but Wolves already have 4 and Everton have already dropped 5. Everton should really have had 6 points by now, considering their schedule. If they drop too many more, they can lock themselves out of Europa. It sounds ridiculous but there is literally too much talent up top to let themselves slowly warm up again.

Stoke City 1 Tottenham Hotspur 2
Tough luck for Stoke on the Foy strike, and a rather even game otherwise. Brilliant for Tottenham, as we all know how tough it is to get the 3 points at the Britannia. Stoke played great however, and deserved a point.
What it means:
Taking care of tricky fixtures are where positions are won and lost, and so this is a great start for Spurs. Stoke were unlucky but they seem to have the pedigree to not sweat one loss at home now. They are on 0 points after two games, which is always distressing, but in a league with Blackpool, WBA and Wigan, they should feel safe.

WBA 1 Sunderland 0
Speaking of West Brom, how the fuck did this happen?! They didn't just win; they were a better team. Great stuff. Positive football paid off for them, but where exactly is Sunderland right now? Kenwyne Jones can't be that good can he?
What it means
I don't know if Sunderland has progressed from "staying up and midtable" to Europa for expectations, but like Everton, 1 point from 2 matches is not the way to do it. Poor showing against the Baggies. But as always, vital vital points for West Brom, who will undoubtedly be in the thick of the relegation battle.

West Ham United 1 Bolton Wanderers 3
Classic West Ham. Absolutely dominate the first half, get a penalty and bombard Bolton and still somehow go into the break 0-0. A bad break (Upson OG) and before you can say Elmander, you lose 3 1. West Ham were much better in the first half and deserved a couple scores but nothing went in. Bolton capitalized on defensive errors and waltzed away with 3 points.
What it means
This game was most important for Avram Grant. He is an underrated manager and I was happy to see him get the job, but they have Manchester United and Chelsea as their next two fixtures, and with him presumably staring at 0 points from 4 games come that time, the vultures may start circling. It'd be grossly unfair, but that's football. West ham should have enough talent to not worry about relegation, but with them you never know. Classy start thusfar by Bolton though.

Wigan Athletic 0 Chelsea 6
Most predictable result of the weekend. Wigan suck. Chelsea kills shitty teams with no mistake. OK I guess that sums it up.
What it means
Surely Wigan didn't expect much, but the absolute hammering they're getting week in and week out has to be psychologically damaging and this team looks like they want to call it a year already. The clock has to start ticking on Martinez if this keeps up. But hey Chelsea, way to take care of business.

Newcastle United 6 Aston Villa 0
And now to the least predictable result. Aston Villa were much better until Newcastle scored...12 minutes in. Carew had a god awful penalty, but really, how on Earth did this happen? An absolute mauling. Villa looked completely sunk. I'm still in shock on how this happened.
What it means
I honestly don't know. Is Newcastle halfway decent or is Aston Villa halfway horrendous? Newcastle has the shameless 3-0 beating at Old Trafford and Villa had the impressive win against West Ham, which was unfortunately only against West Ham. This game is the start of a very incomplete sample or a complete anomaly. I have no fucking idea.

Fulham 2 Manchester United 2
How do they do it? Year after year, Craven Cottage is a house of horrors for the Red Devils. United should have won, but valiant Fulham held on with a great PK save and a header that has been described as "towering" by every news outlet. It's a shame Dempsey was taken off so early, as he appears to not be impressing Hughes too much.
What it means
I wouldn't read too much into it. Solid result for Sparky, and one to build on, and lost points for United, but it probably will just mean Nani won't take a PK again for a loooooong time.

Manchester City 3 Liverpool 0
Ugh. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. City were much better all game. And Adam Johnson is a cunt. Absolutely. He is a diver and a whiner. I went from ambivalent to anathema in about...30 minutes. Was part of it because he was absolutely murdering us? Yes....but he's still a cunt.
What it means
Exactly what you think it means. Until otherwise notified, Liverpool is not Champions League caliber. Manchester City is getting there, but no, unless it is shown to the contrary, Liverpool is a upper-midtable club.