USA-Costa Rica Game Diary

Hey Colin, I really don't mean to be a dick and post the earlier game after yours, but I was busy before. Sorry dude. Anyways, here it goes.

Gotta say, Marvel Wynne is getting into the National Anthem. That's the type of spirit I want to see! By contrast, Dempsey looks like he just finished smoking a bowl.

4-3-3?!?!? I know Bradley is trying to shift things up, but how did Mr Two-Holding-Defensive-Midfielders suddenly bust out a three-striker formation? 20 Dollars says the most this is a 4-2-2.

Not too encouraged by the lineup out there. First off, Beasley at left back? The man isn't a good winger, and the only reason he is any good is because he is speedy. How is he going to stop anyone. Furthermore, it is a sad state of American Soccer that Pablo Mastroeni is still starting. The man belongs in a museum at this point. And I've never heard of Jose Torres. Looking great.
On a plus side, I haven't heard of a single Costa Rican player.
Costa Rica is currently 6-0-1 in their last 7 games against the US in Costa Rica. Shit. Considering I have NEVER heard of a Costa Rican player, this could actually prove to be a bad omen.
The ref is from Trinidad & Tobago. Great. Didn't we learn our lesson with refs from small countries with Ovrebo?

1' Howard has got some interesting sweats on. Looks like he just got out of an aerobics class for elderly women. Isn't it supposed to be sweltering here?
2' Uh....well then. I mean, credit where credit is due, that's a sick goal by Saborio. But Torres got turned pretty badly, and Old Man Winter (Pablo) was pathetic. Gave him way too much space.
6' My initial reaction to "there are 8 MLS players on the field" is OH GOD THIS IS DOOMED. However, Howard, Onyewu, Bocanegra, Torres, Beasley, Dempsey, Altidore...what is he talking about. Does he mean 8 field players who have, at one point in their career, played in the MLS? Would a baseball announcer start a game with "9 of the players on the pitch have played Minor League Baseball!" What a stupid comment.
7' This is Jozy's first game since December. Always makes you feel good when your starting striker is totally on-form.
10' And Beasley hasn't played since the beginning of April. Injuries or not, not good omens for the US.
13' Well that just made things go from bad to worse. Yet again, credit where credit is due, great attacking play and a fine finish by Borges but seriously? 2-0 Costa Rica
15' Torres gets the Alexsandr Hleb "Worst Attempt on Goal" award for this match. Congratulations young man!
16' Donovan looks disinterested and this shot reflects it. Like a golf chip, probably from a course he wishes he was playing right now...
18' USA FIFA Rank: 14. Costa Rica FIFA Rank: 41. Unless this is opposite day, you'd imagine play would reflect this. Also Wynne nearly shipped a goal by giving Saborio a free header.
22' I swear, John Harkes is a pseudonym. This guy sounds just like Pat McEnroe. As you can probably gather, I only watch sports that Americans suck at.
24' Wow, lazy passes all game. It can't be just the surface. Speaking of passing, is Michael Bradley playing? Where is he?
26' Quality free kick attempt from Demps. Though as Scoops pointed out to me, Harkes used the classic "we've seen him blast these in before" line. But have we?
30' Beasley just won a free kick by using the classic "out of control freight train" style of running into people. Naturally we botch the free kick.
37' UGLY UGLY Defense. No pressure on the ball whatsoever. Can we really lose to a team that has jerseys that make them look like a high school traveling team?
38' I just learnt that Saborio, the man with the sweet name that is KILLING us, has five goals in 36 Swiss League appearances. I'll repeat that. The striker, who only manages to score about once every six games in a borderline amateur league, is absolutely shredding us. Awesome.
42' Altidore may not play often in Spain but they sure are teaching him to dive well.
45' Another low and crappy free kick by Landy Cakes.

Well, that really couldn't have gone worse, other than the fact that we could be down more. I can't say that anything should be different in this match. We have not been robbed. We have not taken any good chances. Surprisingly, the best player on the pitch has been Torres. Well done. Mastroeni should be dragged out back and shot. Bradley is not playing apparently. Dempsey and Donovan definitely smoked some weed before the game. Altidore is rusty. The entire defense, noticeably Beasley, have been god-awful and Tim Howard is two more goals from killing everyone on the field.

45' Naturally, the ineffective Sacha Klejstan replaces Jose Torres. Brilliant.
51' And we should be down 3-0. Bob Bradley has told them that they should jump for headers right?
54' U-S-A! U-S-A!
57' A Mortal Kombat style clearance. I whole-heartedly approve.
63' Adu for Mastroeni! YES!
64' Another day, another shitty and low free kick.
67' I'd like to give you a new series, one I'd like to call "What's Clint Thinking?" This will start with "God, everyone around here sucks so much. Why am I even here? It's hot as balls, the surface sucks, my team sucks and I only get two months off every year! These assholes play in MLS, our reserves would run the table in that shitshow! Beasley just lost the ball again, fuck my life man. If I start sobbing uncontrollably, would Bradley sub me then?"
69' Wow, everyone just stopped on that one. Bradley gets burnt and then Bocanegra gives the guy 5 yards IN THE BOX. Howard had no chance and laid on the ground sobbing for a few minutes after the goal. Surprised by Bocanegra, normally reliable. Maybe we should start a "What's Carlos Thinking?" too. Probably sounds a lot like Clint.
71' Going to plagerize my fave sportswriter Bill Simmons (as if the running diary wasn't already a decently large ripoff) but sometimes you have to look around and ask "Can you go to war with these guys?" Outside of the Gooch and Howard, I don't think so. If you can't go to war with them, you're going to lose when it matters, and I see no reason why this team won't be another 1-point wonder like 06.
74' Ah yes, the Ole's have begun.
76' Ladies and Gentlemen, we have the first good shot of the night by the Americans! Congratulations boys, better late than never.
79' Jozy Altidore gets the Didier Drogba "Big Men Who Fall Easily" award for the night.
80' Dempsey for Charlie Davies. I mean, doesn't matter.
83' Wow, big acting job by the Costa Rican defender there. A literal two second difference between contact and the holding of the face. What possibly use would that serve now? You're up 3-0!
85' Davies should have been in all game! Maybe no one else cares anymore, but the US looks spirited and attacking now.
87' A horrible cross by Beasley. I mean, the man got dumped in Scotland. What do you want from him?
89' A very elaborate, four-man set piece clearly saved for games where they have insurmountable leads and want to fuck with the opponent. Surprisingly effective but a great save by Timbo Slice.
91' PENAL! Clinically taken by Landy Cakes. Well this changes everything.
93' And that's all she wrote! Suddenly, we find ourselves second and with the need to beat Honduras in a supposedly pro-Honduran environment. I don't care if we play on the White House Lawn, you can't win with how we played tonight. Onto Soldier Field!